The Merch That Missed
Proof that even bad merch can become part of who we are.
Every club has a bit of merch they’d rather pretend never existed.
The scarf that frayed, the mug that chipped, the hoodie that shrank to a child’s size after one wash. Or that club-branded onesie someone thought was a great Christmas idea until they had to wear it on a video call.
Football merch is meant to be identity in fabric form, a way of saying this is who I am when you’re not at the ground. But for every perfect retro top or tidy windbreaker, there’s something that makes you stop and think: who on earth signed this off?
I’ve always had a soft spot for the weird stuff. The bits that miss the mark but somehow tell you more about a club than any polished campaign ever could. You can almost smell it: the faint mix of plastic, Sharpie and polyester that clings to every old club shop.
When the Club Shop Went Rogue
Before clubs had creative directors and capsule drops, they just sold whatever they could print a crest on.
The 2000s were peak chaos. Shelves of clocks, towels, mouse mats, and keyrings. Dundalk once launched branded flip-flops; Shamrock Rovers had alarm clocks that ticked heartbreak by heartbreak; Shels printed mugs with the wrong crest.
It was part madness, part magic. I still remember seeing those Dundalk flip-flops in the window and laughing all the way home. You went into a club shop not knowing whether you’d leave with a hoodie or a garden gnome.
From Club Shops to Catwalks
These days, merch is big business. Global football merchandise is worth over €4 billion a year, and clubs are desperate for their slice.
PSG’s Jordan line sells out in hours. St Pauli’s T-shirt empire out-earns some Bundesliga 2 clubs’ TV deals. Manchester United sell bedding. Juventus had jeans. Arsenal once tried scented candles called “Champions of Oud.”
The club shop used to smell like damp polyester and misplaced pride. Now it smells like an influencer pop-up.
And yet, when clubs still get it wrong, it feels oddly comforting. Proof that under all the branding decks and lifestyle shoots, football remains gloriously human.
When Bad Becomes Cult
The funny thing about bad merch is how often it becomes collectible.
Fiorentina’s 1992 kit, pulled over an accidental pattern, now sells for thousands. Leeds’ fluorescent 2000s training tops, once mocked, are Depop gold.
The uglier it was, the better it looks now. Vintage football resale markets have doubled in value since 2020, and a whole generation of fans now hunt for the misprints their parents laughed at.
Maybe that’s nostalgia. Maybe it’s honesty. The off-cuts and oddities feel real, reminders of when football was less about algorithms and more about pure enthusiasm.
Favourites from the Merch Graveyard
A few personal highlights from football’s long list of beautiful disasters:
Leeds United toaster (2004): burned the crest into your bread. Terrifying and brilliant.
Rangers cologne (2009): marketed “for the man who defends.”
Tottenham Hotspur garden gnome: available in both home and away kits.
Liverpool emoji cushions: heritage meets crying-laughing face.
Galway United flip-flops (2017): made for Salthill beaches that never quite appeared.
Bohemians Bob Marley mug: sold out twice, because some misses are actually masterpieces.
And my favourite of all: a Dundalk keyring from the mid-2000s that spelled it Dunalk FC. Sold out in a week.
The Truth in the Tacky
Football merch, in all its tackiness, is pure emotion.
Clubs might see revenue, but fans see ritual. The mug for matchday mornings. The hoodie from a bad season you can’t throw out. The sticker that’s still on your laptop ten years later.
Even the stuff that missed has meaning. It’s how we remember the eras, the players, the heartbreaks.
Football isn’t just played or watched. It’s lived. And sometimes that life looks a little ridiculous, flip-flops, gnomes, candles and all.
Because somewhere between the car dice and the club clocks, you realise what the game’s really selling.
Not merch. Not image.
Belonging.
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Just going to say it; I LOVE that 1992 Fiorentina kit.